Family Secrets
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: Murdoc just received a letter announcing the death of his birth mother, now his mind is plagued by all of the family secrets he has been trying to outrun his whole life. -2DxMurdoc and also an incest/rape warning-
1. Revelations

Dear Mr. Niccals;

We are very sorry to inform you that your mother, Rosemarie Johnson has passed away. She was found in her room early yesterday morning, the cause of death seems to be a suicide. If you wish for further details of her death you may reach us at this number…..

He stopped reading after that point. He didn't want to call their stupid number, he didn't care how the awful bitch called his mother died. Murdoc shredded up the letter to the point where no matter how somebody tried they could never put it back together. Johnson; that was the name she had given to the mental institution when she was admitted, she admitted herself. Murdoc closed his eyes tightly; he leaned back against the wall. He felt dizzy, he felt sick, and purely disgusted with himself; with his family and every dirty secret that went into his creation. Those doctors didn't have a damned clue what was wrong with his mother, why she had been so violent, and so angry towards men. Hell he himself didn't understand until he was well into his twenties. He wished that he still didn't know, he could have went twenty lifetimes without ever knowing where he had actually come from, the filth that went into making him.

He opened his eyes and looked down at the white pieces of paper scattered on the floor. She was dead and he was happy about that, ecstatic about it. He knew he shouldn't be, after all nothing was her fault. This wasn't her fault, what Sebastian Niccals had done to her wasn't her fault. Even though Murdoc's father told him that she had asked for it, that she had enjoyed every second of it; he knew better. Some nights he would lay awake and just imagine what had happened, he could almost hear her screams; hear her crying, just begging for Sebastian to stop. It made his stomach churn, he felt responsible for this. His skin felt like it was coated in filth as he thought about it more, thought about what had happened when he was conceived.

He wished the stories he had heard as a kid about his mom were the true ones. That she had been some hooker or some bored school teacher who got a little too lonely and far too desperate. He had heard the real story once when he had been about seven years of age, but he never believed it and he really couldn't comprehend it. He didn't know about those things….

He slid down to the floor pulling his knees up against himself.

In his head he replayed the conversation with his father that lead to the sick revelation of how he had been conceived. The way that his father had smiled smugly at him as he told Murdoc that his mother was actually his older sister, Sebastian had raped her, and as a result Murdoc was born.

Now he was crying, but it had nothing to do with his mother….His sister being dead.


	2. Denying Your Genetics

Murdoc studied his reflection in the small mirror that hung over the dirty sink in his bathroom. He wiped the dust and grime from the glass so he could see himself clearer. His skin was beginning to look ash in colour, he never quite understood how this worked; naturally his skin was a grayish white, but when he would stay out in the sunlight it would go a sickly green causing him to look a hell of a lot like his father. He glanced down at the small black plastic container sitting on the edge of the sink; it was his eye contacts container. He looked back to his reflection; both eyes were an odd shade of red. People whispered and assumed his eyes were naturally brown or even hazel and that his one eye was red due to some Satanic witch craft. He smiled sadly as he thought about that rumor, he had partially started it. The reality of it was that he had two red eyes and a nearly cadaver like skin tone. Sometimes he wore two brown coloured eye contacts, other days he only wore one. For some reason nobody questioned it, though he could tell it bothered people to no end. How much he hated this face, how much he hated his aging body, and the memories swirling around inside of his sickened mind. He turned away from the mirror feeling beyond disgusted by what he had been looking at; he turned off the light and left the room. He grabbed a half empty bottle of vodka from the counter top and took it back to his bed. He kicked his boots off onto the floor then sat down on his bed with his back pressed against the wall. His home away from home was small, but he enjoyed it. He had grown up in a horribly small home; mostly he would stay in his bedroom, generally hiding. He sort of did that here; there wasn't anybody to hide from, these were his friends, but he didn't need any friends. Most times he knew they didn't like him and to some degree he always knew they didn't really need him in their band, he was disposable.

In the corner of his bedroom Cortez squawked from his perch, Murdoc took a drink from the bottle then looked up at the bird. Its dark empty eyes stared back at him, the bird tilted its head to the side as it continued studying its master. Some days he felt like that bird knew him, knew every secret, even the ones Murdoc hid from himself.

"Life is Hell isn't it?" He asked the bird.

The bird began biting at its left wing removing the dead feathers that annoyed it.

Or maybe he was just insane; it was only a bird after all. The funny thing was that he knew better than that; when he had been left at his father's there had been a dirty black bird watching over him, Murdoc could swear that this was the same bird from all of those years ago. Maybe it was some spiritual gift from Hell; a greeting from Satan himself to tell the world; this boy is fucked up, he has nowhere to go except for down.

That seemed to sum everything up.

He took one last drink from the bottle before throwing it to the ground. He leaned over grabbing up a stack of letters from his night stand. Letters from people wanting to sue him, some more letters from angry women claiming that 2D had gotten them pregnant. Murdoc sighed; he was really sick of getting those letters in the posts; he had told the idiot a million times before to use a condom or to be sure the women were on some sort of a birth control.

Murdoc got up from the bed, he collected all eight letters addressed to 2D, then made his way to the singer's room. He had hoped to stay in his Winnebago and drink all day, think over his own life and his own problems, but now he had to handle this. He loved the little idiot, but half the time he truly did feel like strangling him, 2D worshiped him…Well not as much since Demon Days was recorded, but he still should have learned something from Murdoc; especially the lesson of always use a condom.

By the time he reached 2D's bedroom door he was seething with rage. He didn't even bother with knocking, he never did. He slammed open the door, 2D was on his bed writing in one of his stupid journals. He jumped at the sound of the door bashing against his bedroom wall, his blackened eyes widened when he noticed how enraged Murdoc was. He quickly scrambled to his feet and ran to the other side of the bed; he raised his hands up in front of himself in defense.

"I got letters for yew." Murdoc said angrily, he threw the letters at the singer.

2D looked from Murdoc to the mail scattered on his bed, when he knew it was safe he quickly snatched up a couple of the letters. He looked over them then looked up at Murdoc looking utterly confused.

"Wot are these, I keep getting 'em?"

Murdoc balled his hands into fists at his sides, his nails dug into his skin. He tried counting down from ten over and over in his mind to calm himself, but it didn't work.

"Those are from the mothers of t'e women yew keep on knocking up, yew pathetic little moron!"

2D flinched back, Murdoc went over to him. He grabbed a fistful of 2D's hair and jerked hard causing the younger man to cry out in pain.

"Ow t'at really 'urts, Mudz."

"Good, now I don't know if all these brats belong to yew, but I'm sure at least 'alf of 'em do. I got some advice for yew Stuey; stop shagging every bird ya see or start usin' a condom."

"Bu-but I don' like usin' 'em, they feel funny."

"Well then maybe I should rip yer prick off and shove it up yer arse." He growled angrily.

"Please don't, I-I promise I…I'll sto-stop shagging birds."

Murdoc released his grip on the blue haired man; 2D ran to the other side of the room.

"Good, I don't get why they all wanna get with a moron like yew anyways."

2D looked down at the floor and shrugged. The singer walked up to Murdoc until he was uncomfortably close, he tilted his head to the side as he examined the older man's face. The bassist pulled back feeling uncomfortable and annoyed.

"Wot in Hell are yew doing?"

"Why are both yer eyes red an' yew look real pale."

Murdoc punched him hard in the face; 2D fell back onto the floor. One thing that annoyed him so much about the singer was that when he hit him 2D never looked angry, he looked frightened and apologetic.

"It isn't any of yer business."

He turned and left the room.

He knew he over reacted, it wasn't like 2D was insulting him. He was just pointing out something that was really hard to miss, but it was a natural reaction. It wasn't like he wanted to apologize for what he had just done or what had been said, he didn't give a damn about it. 2D was brainless, he would forget within a minute or so. Besides Murdoc had more to worry about than some idiot's feelings being hurt.

Ever since he received the letter announcing Rosemarie's death he had been going between depressed and angry. He had never seen the woman; he didn't know if he had her eyes or her hair, maybe her smile…That was if he ever smiled, he felt she never smiled either. He had grown up never knowing his mother's face, never knowing he even had a sister. He had always figured he looked exactly like his father that had been bad enough. There were few good sides to finding out about the truth; at least he had found out his red eyes and ash skin were due to a type of albinism that caused a lacking of pigments in his eyes and skin. He couldn't understand for the world why his hair turned out black though, but then again he didn't want to question it. He didn't want to ask questions because he refused to hear the answers. No wonder Hell loved him; he was everything they wished for down there, they prayed for a person like Murdoc. Somebody who would be thrown out of society, even denied by his own blood relatives because of his very existence; demons know if somebody will come to them, come for revenge. If it hadn't been for his desperation he never would have made the deal, never would have become famous….Yet he was still so empty, so sad.


	3. You Can't Out Run Family, Boy

His phone had been ringing non-stop for quite some time now. It would go through the motions of about seven rings then it would quiet itself. One minute later it would begin ringing again, filling his home on wheels with its irritating chirping. He knew who was calling; he had taken the time to look at the caller ID around the third time the call had come in. It wasn't a number that he had saved into his phone, because depending on where the caller was hiding in this gloomy country depended on the number that showed up on the glowing blue screen. He knew that he should answer, if he answered now he could just get this over with. Get through all the bull shit, the tense over the phone greetings, and sharp tongued insults.

Murdoc grabbed his phone up from the bed and hit the green button to accept the call.

"It's 'bout damn time yew get off yer worthless arse and answer yer phone." The angered drunken voice said from the other end of the line, the voice of the great Sebastian Niccals.

Murdoc felt every muscle in his body tense at the sound of that voice, some instinct within him told him to tense, to clench his teeth, and wait for his father to start beating him with that awful cane of his.

"Hello dad." He managed out; he couldn't help but feel like choking when he called this creature his dad.

"Did yew receive that letter 'bout yer sister dying?"

He could almost hear the glee in his father's voice, in a perfect world he would have the courage to go to Sebastian's home and punch him in his hideous face; then again in a perfect world his mother wouldn't be his own sister.

"Y-yeah I got t'e letter a couple of days ago." He said hoping the topic would end there, but he knew better.

He knew before anything was said exactly why his father was calling.

"Suicide, isn't that wot they said?"

"Yeah it was suicide."

"I bet yew weren't man enough to call and ask 'ow she'd done it. She 'ad some bloke sneak her in a straight razor; dumb bitch slit her wrists then her throat. Blood all over t'e damned place, the stupid little 'hore never could do anything right."

Murdoc dug his jagged nails into his leg; he gritted his teeth, and in his mind counted to ten. Once he made it to ten he repeated five more times, the line was silent; he didn't trust himself with words.

"Did yew cry I bet yew cried; yer just like yer damn mother. Even as a boy ya did nothing but cry, never did me any damned good. I couldn' even make a damn quid putting yew in those talent shows, hard to believe yer in a 'successful' band. Pathetic worthless little sod."

"Shut up, just shut up!" Murdoc yelled, his voice echoed in the small metal home.

Laughter came from the other end of the line, sick mentally ill laughter. He felt a pounding in his head; he felt his stomach tie into knots. What did he do to deserve this?

"Aw did I touch a nerve, I've seen t'e interviews yew do with those moronic friends of yers. Yew are a whiny little queer if I've ever seen one, but yew are a hell of a lot like yer old man."

"Just tell me wot yew want."

He just wanted to get to the point, he wanted to get to the point, and have this horrible monster leave him alone. He wanted his father to just disappear off the face of the Earth, fuck he felt like he was going to cry.

"A'right; I've noticed 'ow yew always tell people 'ow horrible of a father I was."

"Probably 'cause yew are a horrible father, yew wretched bastard." He spat out angrily.

"Oi, don't talk to me like that; it's that kind of talk t'at got yer sister put away. If I was there I would break yer teeth for a comment like t'at."

"So-sorry"

"Good boy; I'll get to the point since yew seem to ignore the letters I've been sending. I need money, yew owe me money; all that rubbish about me an' Hannibal beating yew and fucking yew up in the head, it's ruining our reputations."

He wanted to laugh, just from the pure stupidity of this. He had seen the letters and he had burned them along with the one stating his mother was dead. Another dreadful reminder of a past that he just wanted to forget; normal, he just wanted a normal family. He had had step moms who loved him, cared for him, and would even take the brunt of Sebastian's rage just to protect the small Niccals boy. Satan, how he loved those women, but his father had made each of them disappear.

"I owe yew nothing."

"Oh I disagree; yew aren't crazy 'cause of anything we did to ya, if anything it's just because I fucked yer sister and the result was yew. Not my fault the dumb little bitch got pregnant."

His head was no longer pounding, it was throbbing. He heard footsteps outside, somebody walking around the outside of his Winnebago. A part of his mind whispered to him that it was his father or his brother, lurking, and waiting to come in and beat him until nearly every bone was broken.

"I'm not paying yew."

"Yew can't run forever, yew may pretend yer better than us but yew aren't. I see how yew treat that little faggot singer of yers, reminds me a hell of a lot like 'ow I treated yew and yer sister. Deny us all ya want Mudsie, but blood is forever. I will be calling again or maybe just pay yew a visit."

With that menacing note the phone went dead. Murdoc let out a growl of frustration as he hurled the phone across his bedroom. It nearly hit Cortez; the bird screeched then flew out of the room and towards the kitchen. The phone hit against the wall breaking in half. Murdoc pulled his legs up against himself wrapping his arms around them. He felt like he was on the verge of having a panic attack.

He didn't even hear it when the door opened, but he did notice the hand that was frantically pushing against his left shoulder, and then he noticed the high pitched voice yelling his name. He looked up to see 2D standing there looking down at him, completely worried. Murdoc swatted his hand away, he glared at the singer, and tried to tell him to just go the hell away but his words got caught in his throat. Shit maybe he really was going to end up having a panic attack.

2D sat next to him on the bed, he tried to get Murdoc to relax, but it wasn't working. He didn't know what was going on; he didn't know if he was angry, scared, or ready to break down crying. Every word, every abusive moment, and wretched family secret was going through his mind. He was pretty sure 2D was still trying to talk to him, saying his name over and over again. A moment later Murdoc passed out.


	4. Mother's Lullaby

He knew that this was a dream, but he didn't remember falling asleep. He walked through a long hallway, a few people in hospital gowns shuffled around. They were all women; one woman with long tangled red hair was hitting her head against a wall while mumbling to herself. His head felt strange, very light, and he felt a bit dizzy. Screaming sounded from somewhere down the hall, it sounded horrible almost like somebody was being murdered. Murdoc began running down the hallway in the direction of the woman's screams; he came to a large wooden door at the end of the hall, the screaming had stopped and now he heard soft singing. He had a feeling that he knew what was behind this door, he closed his eyes and counted to ten hoping that maybe when he opened them again he would wake up from this horrible dream.

"Come in darling." A gentle voice called.

He was still in the institute; he opened the door and shoved it open. The room was small, but the white walls and floor made it seem like it was endless. A twin sized hospital bed sat near the left wall, a painting of a sail boat was on the wall across from him. At the end of the bed there was a wooden table, a small tub like bowl sat on its surface, and next to it was a woman he had never seen but he knew exactly who she was. Rosemarie was about his height; her hair was a light blonde and about shoulder length, her skin was very pale, her body frail and thin. Murdoc cautiously moved closer to her, he looked at her face; the face of the sister, the mother he had never met. Her eyes were….He didn't know how to describe the look in those green coloured orbs; it was so peaceful and terrifying. Her nose was like his before it had been broken several times. She didn't look his way once; she only looked down at the small tub, still humming her little lullaby. Her hands were in the tub, he knew what this was.

He closed his eyes tightly, he suddenly felt sick.

"Please, no" He whispered.

He opened his eyes then looked down inside of the small tub. It was filled to the brim with water; at the bottom of it held down by his mother's hands was a baby. Its mouth was wide open as it screamed silently, its small hands thrashed around trying to get to air. The door behind Murdoc slammed open; next thing he knew there were three nurses and two doctors inside of the room. Two of the nurses grabbed hold of Rosemarie pulling her roughly away from the tub. The woman fell to her knees; she thrashed violently, and screamed.

"Let me go, I have to kill it! I have to kill him; he's a demon I tell you! Let me go!"

One of the doctors knelt down next to her; he removed a syringe from his lab coat pocket. He held tightly to the frantic woman's arm then jammed the needle in, soon enough her screaming stopped along with her struggling. She fell limp to the floor; the two women picked her up and carried her from the room. Murdoc turned his attention back to the tub, it was empty now; the baby was lying on the bed, after a bit of work they finally got it to start breathing again. Murdoc looked at it, listened to its terrified screams, its pinkish eyes were staring up towards the ceiling, and its skin was so white that you could just make out the veins.

"We need to take him somewhere else."

Murdoc looked up at the doctors and the one remaining nurse, he couldn't see their faces; they were blurred.

"We did manage to find the address of the father; we'll leave him off there."

"What about the orphanage?"

Laughter

"Please, nobody is going to adopt this child. The way he looks alone would prevent a good family from taking him in, it's best to take him to his father."

The nurse picked up the still screaming child and left the room. Suddenly the room went black; everything was darkness, and silence. When the lights came back he was no longer in the asylum; he was lying on a hospital bed.

"It's about damn time you wake up." A familiar voice said.

Murdoc sat up and rubbed at his aching head, Russel was standing next to the bed with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked down at the green skinned man with disapproval.

"Wot t'e hell 'appened, why am I in a bloody hospital?"

He hated hospitals, after that dream of his he hated them even more.

"Well according to 2D you passed out, according to the doctor you had a mild panic attack. Thank 'D for bringing you here, I suggested we just leave your ass alone."

"Well I would 'ave fucking preferred that, where is the damn dullard at anyways?"

"I'll go get him."

Russel left and a minute later 2D ran into the room; he tripped over his shoe lace and nearly fell to the floor, he caught himself and managed to make it to the bed without falling. He wrapped his arms around Murdoc's neck and hugged him tightly.

"Yer a'right; I was real scared 'bout yew Mudz."

"Get t'e Hell off of me."

Murdoc shoved the blue haired man off of him, this time 2D did fall onto the ground. His only reaction was to smile up at the older man like it didn't phase him at all to be shoved like that.

"Yew passed out an' then yew started shaking and breathing real funny. Russ didn' wanna bring yew 'ere, he said yew were probably over dosing an' we should just let yew kill over. I tol' him t'at yer my best mate an' I love yew an' we aren' leaving yew to die an-"

"Will yew shut the hell up already?" Murdoc yelled angrily.

2D stopped talking and nodded his head.

"I didn't have a damn over dose, it was just a panic attack, and yew know 'ow I fucking feel about bloody hospitals. Next time just do me a favor and leave me be, got it?"

The younger man merely nodded; at least he had stopped talking.

A sharp pain shot through his head, it felt like he was being stabbed.

"Fuck"

"Yew a'right?" The singer asked getting up off of the floor.

"Just a damn headache, that's all."

2D reached into his jeans pocket and grabbed out an orange pill bottle. He tossed it to the older man.

"Here jus' take a couple of those, they always work for me."

The green skinned man looked from the bottle in his hand to the black eyed man looking at him. He popped off the lid removed two pills and swallowed them. He closed the bottle and handed it back to the younger man.

"When can we get outta here?"

"Doctor said yew could leave whenever yew woke up."

"Good, let's get out of here." Murdoc got up; he shoved past 2D and made his way out of the room.

He couldn't shake that dream from his mind; was that really what his sister looked like? Maybe the next time he talked to his father he could ask if there were any photos of her lying around, there had to be. Maybe he could start grieving or come to some sort of state of peace as they called it if he could at least see her face. Finally see the woman who birthed him, the sister and mother he never knew; the one who tried to drown him shortly after his birth. They should have just let her drown him, everybody would have been better off that way.


	5. Let Yourself Go

"Are ya sure yew don' want me to stay with yew, do yew still got a headache, do ya think yew might pass out again? Wot if there's something wrong with yew an' yew get really sick?"

Murdoc gritted his teeth, the whole car ride back to Kong 2D had done absolutely nothing other than pester him. Asking him questions, staring at him, and then telling him the numerous times he had startled himself into panic attacks. Once he ran through that cycle and they were finally back at Kong he began rambling on about death. He wouldn't shut up about how he didn't know what he would do if Murdoc died, that he knew Noodle and Russel would want to replace him and probably not even have a funeral but he wouldn't let them do that. The only thing that the bassist wanted was to go inside of his Winnebago and drink. He didn't even know why he was listening to the blue haired boy's shit right now.

"Will yew please just shut the fuck up, for once in yer dull life; shut up."

2D continued rambling as if he was off in his own little world, completely unaware that he was even talking to himself out loud. Murdoc smacked him across the face, there that shut him up.

"Why did ya hit me?"

"Yew wouldn't shut up, if anything yer damn rambling is making my bloody head 'urt worse. I jus' want to be alone, all I ask, and if yew come in 'ere and bug me I'll slit yer throat."

He waited for the rambling to start up again, but it didn't. 2D looked around the empty car lot then turned and left. Murdoc sighed heavily feeling relieved that the singer was finally going to leave him the Hell alone. He went inside of his Winnebago slamming the door shut behind him. He almost didn't notice the over weight Mexican man sitting on the torn up couch waiting for him.

"Fucking hell wot do yew want?"

"Jimmy is looking for you." The man said his voice was low and raspy almost like somebody was listening in on them.

Murdoc couldn't remember this man's name, but he was one of the five men that had helped him out while he had been in jail.

"Jimmy who an' why are yew in here? I told yew lot to not come in 'ere unless I tell ya that yew can."

The other man looked nervously around the room then back up at Murdoc.

"Jimmy Manson; I asked what he wanted with you, but he went all crazy and started yelling about spies and everybody being against him. He's really pissed."

Great, that's exactly what Murdoc needed. Bad enough he was having nightmares about insane asylums, remembering he's the result of incest rape, and he had his bastard of a father threatening to come hurt him. Now he had a pissed off Charles Manson wannabe little psychopath wanting to 'talk' with him. He would never openly admit that leading the little creep on was the biggest mistake of his life. He should have ignored him, told the police he was crazy, and had them take care of him. No; that wasn't how Murdoc worked, he had almost told the crazy little man to go screw himself. He didn't though, mostly because Jimmy started to bring him very good drugs and extremely easy women. He hated the little bastard; another middle aged hippie delusional as Hell.

"Great so wot did ya tell 'im?"

The over weight man shrugged.

"I told him you were out but that you should be back soon, told him to come back later."

"Fucking 'ell, a'right get the hell out of here."

Murdoc leaned back against the counter; he pinched the bridge of his nose, and in his mind counted to ten. He heard the door slam shut then creak like it was ready to fall off of its hinges, again.

This was so much more than he wanted to deal with; his dead mom, his bastard father, a panic attack, 2D knocking up half of the women in England, and now he had to deal with Jimmy Manson. This was brilliant; maybe if he just finished off the Grey Goose and a bit of acid he would be so strung out that nothing after this moment would matter. Hell it'd be easier to listen to Jimmy threaten and deal with 2D talking if he was completely wasted.

The bassist grabbed the bottle off of the counter then reached into one of the cabinets above the sink grabbing out a little tin container with a Ouija board design on the lid. He went back to his room and lay back on the bed; he popped the lid off of the bottle, downed as much as he could manage before his throat started burning. He opened the tin, removed two tabs of acid then placed them on his tongue. If he ended up over dosing and dying he really didn't care, hell maybe his band mates could just replace him with Jimmy. He knew they didn't care; well Russel didn't give two fucks about him, they had always had this back and forth hate relationship. Noodle was too nice to admit that lately especially during recording their latest album that she wanted to hit him across the face, and well 2D was too dull to hate anybody.

He knew that the drugs were beginning to kick in when he started hearing things. He could hear rain hitting against windows, could hear an Agent Orange record playing, and finally he could hear his father yelling followed by a loud thud. A moment later the sound of a young boy crying and pleading for help could be heard, ah yes another acid trip that lead to Murdoc recalling his childhood. He deeply despised the bad drug trips; they almost always went in this direction. Now he could not only hear the abuse of his past but he could also see it. In his mind he could see it happening, in his mind he was standing in that crap living room watching as his drunken father beat his six year old son with his cane. Murdoc felt sick watching it; he could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he watched. He had looked so sickly and sad as a child; his younger self had the oddest looking skin, a light green like it didn't know whether to be too pale or a vibrant green. He was curled up in a ball on the ground, his frizzy black hair covering his face, his little hands balled up into fists, and his crooked teeth gritting together. His body shook from the pain of each hard hit and from his heavy sobbing. The punk record in the background played louder and louder, the room swirled, and then everything was black. Now everything was silent, he feared what he would see next. Maybe he should just open his eyes, but his body felt strange; he didn't even want to open his eyes.

Everything stayed blank for awhile, no sounds, or feelings. Five minutes later he felt something different, more pleasant. He could feel hands on him, somebody was touching him; fingers roamed over his skin, he could feel fingers brushing over his crotch. Now he could feel hot breath against his neck, a tongue brushing against the nape of his neck. The mouth on his skin went lower, teeth grazing against his chest, the hand on his crotch squeezed. He desperately wanted to grab at whoever was touching him; at least he was finally having a good trip even if he couldn't see the woman on top of him. Lips pressed against his, he kissed back, a tongue pushed inside of his mouth and he couldn't help but moan. He really wanted to see what they looked like. The picture began to come into focus inside of his mind, he looked towards the face of the person touching him; he felt his body tense and panic set in when he spotted the spiked blue hair. 2D; he was having a fucking sex fuelled acid trip about another man, not just another man but the one he could hardly stand. He wanted to freak out, wake up from this trip, and storm into the singer's room and beat the hell out of him for something that wasn't even real. The blue haired man's hand was still on his crotch, he had to admit that it felt good; 2D kissed him again and he kissed right back, Murdoc kissed him with more passion and force this time. He didn't get it, it wasn't real, but it was something his mind sent his way. That was the thing that bothered him, that and the fact that he was aroused by this entire situation and hoped it wouldn't end anytime soon.

A loud banging sounded from somewhere in the dark distance. The hallucination ended, he was plunged back into that space where absolutely nothing happened. He heard foot steps, could feel the weight of his bed shift. It could just be another acid trip, he felt tired….Exhausted; the pounding in his head was returning, he had nearly forgotten about it. Fuck it; he wanted to sleep, might as well.


	6. Little Jimmy Manson

Somebody was touching his leg, he figured it was 2D. The pathetic little moron was always breaking into his Winnebago and messing with his things.

"Stu if I open my eyes an' see yew watchin' me I'm gonna murder yew."

"Who's Stu?"

The voice was male, hushed, and even with two simple words sounded completely psychotic.

Murdoc opened his eyes; he pulled his legs up against himself. On the edge of his bed sat a rather short middle aged looking man, he was mostly bald except for a gray ponytail in back, his eyes were wide and crazed, skin dirty, and an X was carved into his forehead.

"Wot the hell are yew doing in here, why are yew on my bed?"

Murdoc feared three things; Death, his father, and lastly Jimmy Manson. So it was easy to understand he felt like crawling out of the nearest window just to escape the deranged little man who was currently on his bed.

"I've been waiting for you to wake up; I got in here about the same time that you passed out. We need to talk man."

"Er talk about wot?"

He asked nervously, he knew exactly what the shorter man wanted. He just wanted to dance around the topic for a bit, but the longer he avoided talking to him then the angrier the older man would become.

"You know what we need to talk about; we need to talk about how you keep on playing games with my mind. I don't like games, you dig?"

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes; he hated hippies, he hated their slang, and the fact that they all smelled of reefer and piss.

"Uh yeah sure….Now 'ow am I playing 'games'?"

"We had a deal man; you were supposed to knock off your band mates. Remember man we were gonna start a band, unless you changed your mind. I'm no fool I don't like being played with, you see?"

He watched the shorter man carefully; he flinched every time that Jimmy moved. He knew the crazy little bastard always carried around a pistol with him, Murdoc just hoped if it came to that, that he could pull out his knife quicker than the ugly little fucker could pull out his gun.

"Hey chill out mate, we're cool. I told yew before that I can't just kill people like that, it'd look a bit weird y'know."

"I expect you to do something soon man, you told me I could be lead in our new band."

"No I never said that, I'm the singer; yew got that, yew play guitar or wotever the fuck it is that yew think yew do." Murdoc said dismissing the older man completely.

He'd heard Jimmy play; he was horrible; actually horrible seemed to be an understatement. His guitar playing sounded like a cat being molested by a gorilla.

"Man you need to keep your head in the game, the plan. We got a plan, well I've got a plan you see. I'll let you finish up your album and all of that jazz and then we'll carry out our plan. Knock off those cats, you don't need them man; I know you will see things from my point of view. I'm like a mirror, look into my and you see yourself. We'll make a great team, greatest band in the world you see. We'll rule the world; show them all a bit of Helter Skelter."

Murdoc wasn't even paying attention; he was staring blankly ahead as his mind wandered over the fact he'd had a trip that involved the too real fantasy of having sex with 2D. Even now when he was near sobriety he still didn't mind the idea too much, actually he felt a small delightful chill when he remembered the way those pianist fingers had been all over him in the right places…

"Hey are you even listening to me?"

"Eh? Oh right, no sorry mate I was miles away there…Er yeah, but yeah I get wot yew mean with the plan an' all that crap. Look I'm a bit busy at the moment, 'ow bout yew go and do wotever….Go back to yer cave or some shit an' I'll call yew in a month or so."

Jimmy stared at him for a moment studying him. He nodded, got up off of the bed, and left. Murdoc didn't allow his body to relax until he heard the front door slam shut.

"Thank Satan" He muttered to himself.

He knew not to make promises to crazy people, especially when he wasn't listening to them. He would never allow Jimmy to hurt his band mates, even if they rarely got along and he was pretty sure Russel wanted to kill him. He thought about 2D and Noodle mostly when he thought about Jimmy's plan. It made him a bit ill to think about either of them dying, especially the girl. She was only a teenager, a freakishly strong and army smart one at that, but still she was only a kid. He hated the idea of 2D being killed because to him it felt like kicking a loyal family pet; true Murdoc kicked him often, even set him on fire once a few years back, but he never wished death on the other man…Not seriously, he would never go that far.

He was just going to lead Jimmy on a bit, only until he could come up with a way to permanently get rid of the lunatic. Nobody would be injured, well except for Jimmy.


	7. Melting

After the Jimmy incident he felt claustrophobic, even if Kong had hundreds of rooms and levels it felt small to him. He ended up in his Winnebago every time, it was the only place not filled with annoying band mates or dead people. He still needed a break though, time to himself; just walk through the city. He needed to think about things, he didn't even fully know what he was doing with this whole Manson situation. The same with the situation with his father and his mother, it seemed that all of the sudden there were all of these people surrounding him and bothering him. People he wanted to forget, people he wanted to ignore, and people he absolutely despised. He knew if he spent even an hour without drugs and alcohol he could think clearly; realize he was handling this mess called his life in the worst way possible. What would he do if Jimmy just went off the handle completely, he could get into Kong without being noticed, and he sure as hell could slit the throats of Murdoc's band mates without making a single sound. He hated to admit that it bothered him, but it did; this was his family, in a horribly dysfunctional way. One thing that bothered him about Jimmy was that he wondered if he himself could turn into something like that, Hell maybe he was already that way. What sane person willingly put their friends in danger like this, what person treated those who put up with his shit like they were disposable?

Whatever; Jimmy wasn't important; he was just another mentally disturbed old man. He would probably find somebody as equally deranged as himself, he would forget all about stalking Murdoc. He could put Jimmy off for months, even years if he really wanted to. That situation wasn't his main problem; his family was his main problem.

Ever since receiving the letter about RoseMarie's death he'd had several dreams about her. His nightmare about her in the asylum attempting to drown him; that hadn't been the only nightmare, there was one where he saw his father raping her. The dream had left him feeling sick to the very pit of his stomach; everything reminded him of where he came from. He could look past the fact he came from a mentally ill woman and a womanizing drug addict, but to know he came from incestuous rape made him hate himself. He couldn't do anything to control it or to change it, he hadn't caused what had happened all of those years ago, but he was a result of it. He blamed himself for his sister going completely insane; he wished they had just let her kill him shortly after his birth. They should have just allowed her to do it, it was what she wanted; how was leaving her mutated spawn with a deranged drunk going to make anything better?

He wondered if this was why his father had abused him so badly all of his life. Then again his father had never wanted one child let alone two. Hannibal had been a sadistic bastard almost exactly like their father, always by their father's side willing to do anything to please the old man. Murdoc had never been that way; he had been sensitive, caring, and scared. He only did the things his father wanted him to do because of physical threats, because of endless beatings. It was foolish to think that the day he moved out he would finally be free. He wasn't even free right now, he would never be free. He was a prisoner until the day that he died unless he could possibly find a way to just disappear off of the face of the Earth.

He wanted nothing more than to just find a place at the end of the world, a place where nobody could find him. He wanted to run away from his band mates, from his father, from RoseMarie, and from the thing that he was.

Murdoc walked down an empty alleyway, he sat down on the cold wet ground. He pulled his legs up against himself like if he curled up enough he could disappear into the brick wall behind him. The rain hit against his head soaking his hair and face, his body shivered from the cold. He should probably go back home now, he doubted anybody noticed he was gone, and if they did they wouldn't give a fuck. He didn't know where he wanted to go, maybe just sit here for an hour or two, until his clothes were soaked all the way through or until somebody mistook him for a homeless man.


	8. Hell Comes Home

Tap…Tap….Tap….Bang!

The repetition of those sounds had been going for nearly five minutes. At first Murdoc figured it was nothing, but when it continued in an almost purposeful rhythm he started to get annoyed. He automatically assumed it was 2D hitting against the side of his Winnebago, trying to get the bassist attention for whatever idiotic reason.

Bang, bang!

Fuck, that was it; he was going to go out and strangle him.

Murdoc pulled his jeans on, the noises stopped when he reached the front door. Didn't matter he still planned on beating up the little dullard for being a complete bastard for the past five minutes.

The moment that Murdoc stepped outside he was grabbed round the throat and slammed up against the side of his Winnebago. It took a moment for his eyes to focus on whoever was now tightly gripping his throat; when he finally could see his attacker he felt like this had to be some horrid nightmare.

"Hello son, yew don't look happy to see me." His father said while he smiled at the younger man.

The bassist could feel his body tensing; his mind was drawing a blank on everything. He hadn't seen his father face to face for years now; he had hoped to go a lifetime with things being that way. The fear must have been evident on his face because Sebastian looked more than pleased with himself. He released his grip on his son, Murdoc pressed himself back against the wall like some sort of scared animal trying to plan out the safest route to escape.

"W-why are yew here?"

"Yew stopped answering my calls, that's very bad of yew ya know. Yew should always have time for yer father, especially considering all I've done for yew and yer siblings."

All that he'd done; what had he done? Drove one to suicide, made Hannibal into some brainless psychopath, and drove Murdoc away from home.

"I have nothing to say to yew, now get out of my house." He said trying to sound angry, trying to sound dominant.

The older man laughed.

"Oh yew just love finally owning something don't yew? This house, those stupid friends of yers; yew always were a greedy little child."

"I told yew to get out."

The older man didn't budge, his dark eyes roamed over his son, judgingly.

"I will but as soon as yew pay me."

"Pay yew?"

"Yes like we discussed on the phone."

"I'm not fucking paying yew, I don't owe yew anything yew demented bastard."

Sebastian grabbed his son by the hair pulling the younger man forward then throwing him down onto the ground. He kicked Murdoc onto his back and placed his foot on the younger man's stomach to keep him in place.

"Oh no Mudsy I believe yew do owe me, I also believe yew have forgotten yer place. I am yer father, I gave yew life, and yew completely take that for granted."

"Fuck yew"

Sebastian reached down grabbing the younger man up dragging him to his feet. He slammed Murdoc against the wall, the younger man glared up at him; he was horrified but he didn't want it to show.

"Say that again?"

"Fuck yew"

His father punched him in the mouth then in the stomach causing his son to drop to his knees. He could taste blood, he wondered if he had lost any teeth. A hard blow to the back of the head knocked him down completely.

"I really do need to remind yew who yew are and who I am. Yew just like that worthless slut sister of yers; she always fought against me, struggled, and defied me. I laughed when I heard that ignorant little bitch finally died."

Murdoc rolled onto his side, he grabbed at his father's leg in some lame attempt to pull the older man down. Sebastian smacked his son's hand away with the end of his cane.

"Don't talk 'bout her like that, she didn' do anything. Yew fucking raped her."

"She wanted it, only bad part about it was that yew were born. Look at yew; pathetic waste of flesh and bone. Yew aren't even a man; just a deformed little inbred sideshow who can't even stand his own ground."

Murdoc tried to get up, but Sebastian hit him in the back with the cane.

"Get out"

"Not until I'm paid and yew show me some respect."

He glared up at the older man, he spit blood at him. Rage flooded through Sebastian; he began hitting and kicking Murdoc repeatedly.

Die he was possibly going to die; he was going to die in the car park, he always figured his father would kill him one of these days.

"Let me go"

Murdoc looked up to see Sebastian being pulled away from him. Russel had a good hold on the deranged old man, Sebastian struggled against the drummer.

"What the hell is going on here?"

"None of yer business yew fat bastard."

"This yer father?"

Murdoc nodded.

He felt like about three bones should be broken and like he might throw up a lung.

"Noodle, 2D take Murdoc inside and make sure he isn't dying. I'm going to take care of this."

His other two band mates came forward, they helped pull him to his feet and lead him inside of the house. They took him to the living room and sat him down on the couch.

"I think you should go to the hospital." Noodle said as she looked over the older man.

"No, no fucking hospitals; I told yew lot already that I don't like them."

"Alright, I'll be back; 2D keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't do something dumb."

2D waited until the young guitarist was out of ear shot to say anything.

"Wot was that about?"

"It's nothing."

"Yew always say that, it's gotta be something. Yer always hiding stuff from us lately."

"It's none of yer fucking business."

He cringed as a sharp pain shot through his stomach. 2D sat down next to him, he placed a hand on the older man's shoulder.

"Yew okay?"

"No, I'm really not."

"I think yew should see a doctor."

"I already told yew I'm not."

Murdoc leaned back against the couch, he groaned at the pain that flooded through his body. Nothing really felt broken, everything just felt as if it were on fire.

"Wot did he want?" 2D asked his voice gentle like maybe if he changed his tone then Murdoc would talk.

"Money, that's all."

"He beat yew up over that?"

Murdoc smiled, he looked over at the blue haired man. He looked scared; it was a bit of a compliment to see somebody scared because he had been hurt. He wasn't used to somebody being concerned about him, wanting to make sure that he was alright. He placed a hand on 2D's cheek.

"Yer cute ya know, dumb but cute. There's nothing to worry 'bout mate, nothing that concerns yew."

He felt tired and sick; 2D placed his hand over Murdoc's.

"Is that 'ow it was when yew were growing up?"

"Yeah i-it was, except when I was little there was never anybody to protect me or stop him."

He could tell that 2D felt sorry for him, there was no reason to.

Noodle came back into the room with the first aid kit. She washed the blood off of the older man's face and his arms; it didn't look as bad once all the blood had been washed away. She kept asking Murdoc what had happened, what was going on, but he only told her that it wasn't anything she needed to worry herself with. It really wasn't; these were all Murdoc's problems, his family that was haunting him lately. It wasn't a problem anybody else needed to worry themselves with, but they would drop the subject soon enough. They all knew that it was best to not really talk about Murdoc's family, Noodle knew better than the others. The girl with the army background and possibly no parents knew better than anybody how it was to not want to talk about these things. Murdoc always respected her, thought of her like a little sister; he was a horrible big brother, he was allowing a middle aged loon believe they could hurt Noodle. He wouldn't let it happen though; he could kind of look after Noodle in place of the sister he never met.

"I still say you should see a doctor." The young girl said.

"It's nothing, I'm fine; don't worry so much doll, yer too damn young for all t'at."

Murdoc attempted to get up off of the couch, but fell back down.

"I think you should stay here for awhile, at least until you're in less pain."

She was concerned, it was nice. He wondered if Russel had managed to remove Sebastian from the building.

"Toochi I'm going to check on Russel, just stay with Murdoc and make sure he doesn't try to get up."

"Yeah a'right Noods."

She gave Murdoc one more concerned look before leaving the two men alone. The bassist lay back on the couch, he felt less horrible when he was lying down. 2D sat on the other end of the couch watching him.

"Don't stare, it's annoying"

"Sorry" The blue haired man said quickly looking away.

"Yew don't 'ave to stay here with me."

"I want to"

"I don't get why"

"Yer my mate, I care 'bout yew."

Murdoc didn't respond, he was still trying to wrap his mind around what had happened. He couldn't believe his father had actually been here, had beaten him up this badly the way he hadn't done since Murdoc was a small child. Now he was lying here in severe pain wondering how long it'd be until his band mates would stop talking about it, wondering how pissed off Russel would be at him for this. Right now he kind of hated RoseMarie, he blamed her for this. Right now he just wanted to hate everybody in his family; they made him into a monster.


	9. Comfort in an Alleyway

It was raining again, it always seemed to rain at Kong Studios; every other part of England could be warm and sunny, but Kong was almost constantly rainy. Not that Murdoc minded it too much, he felt more at home in the rain; hadn't it been raining when he had been dropped off at his father's home?

He couldn't really remember if it had been or not.

His body was still sore from the encounter with his father three days ago. His sides and face bruised, and his hands cut up. His band mates knew better than to talk about it, to approach the topic. They went on with band practices and tour planning like nothing had even happened, for that Murdoc was grateful. They were even accepting the fact he was keeping to himself more than usual. Times like these made him a bit grateful that he was surrounded by people who thought he was repulsive and selfish, they were right though.

"Yew okay?"

2D sat down on the ground next to the older man. Murdoc looked over at him; his blue hair was already soaked and clinging to his face.

"For fuck sake dullard, yer gonna freeze to death." The Satanist said as he took off his jacket and handed it to the younger man.

"Thanks Mudsie"

"Wotever"

"Why are yew sitting out in the rain?"

"Because I like to, now why in hell are yew out 'ere?"

At least he had been able to enjoy a bit of time alone, to himself without anybody irritating him and bothering him.

"I was worried 'bout yew being out 'ere all alone…..Yew a'right?"

Murdoc rolled his eyes at the question, he was sick of hearing if he was okay. Of course he wasn't okay; he rarely was unless he was drunk out of his mind.

"No I'm not"

"Is it 'bout yer dad?"

"A little bit, but something else…Er I don't really, 'ow 'bout we go for a walk?"

2D looked at him for a bit like he wanted to question the older man and the switching of topics. He lost the thought within seconds; he nodded in reply to the bassist's question. Murdoc stood up, he offered his hand to the younger man and 2D took hold of it allowing the older man to pull him to his feet.

He was tired of keeping all of this to himself, but he still felt like Frankenstein's monster or some trash like that. Some hideous thing that didn't even know who and what it was made up of, but it knew in the end that it was wrong.

They walked on together in silence for awhile, they managed to get out of Kong without seeing a single zombie. When they got into town it was close to being just as empty, a couple of cars going by every now and again, occasionally people would run through the streets ducking into buildings to escape the steady rain. Murdoc could feel 2D's empty eyes on him, silently questioning what was going on; he knew that the singer worried, he really wished that he wouldn't. They walked into a small alley; Murdoc leaned back against the wall and 2D stood in front of him.

"Wot's going on?"

Murdoc ran his fingers back through his wet hair, he looked towards the entrance of the alley; not a single person in sight. In his mind he was trying frantically to figure out what to say if anything. How did you tell somebody that your mom was also your sister and she just recently cut herself to death?

"I don't know 'ow to tell yew in a simple way that yew can understand."

2D looked a bit offended by that.

"I'm not completely brainless y'know."

"Sure yew aren't mate, but I….A'right; I got a letter in the post not that long ago telling me t'at my mum is dead."

"Yer birth mum?"

"Yeah"

"I thought that yew didn't know her."

"I don't, I didn't, but…There's something I need to tell yew, I just don't know how. Yer the only person that I'm gonna tell and I want it to stay that way. Got it?"

"Yeah, of course."

Murdoc looked towards the street again, he felt paranoid. He couldn't even get himself to look 2D in the eye right now, just thinking about confessing to another person made him feel filthy and ashamed.

"I have, had an older sister named Rosemarie; my-our dad used to rape her a lot an' he ended up getting her pregnant. She gave birth to me."

He just barely looked up at the blue haired man, enough of a glance to know the taller man was staring right at him.

"Yew mean like incest?"

Murdoc nodded.

Even he himself felt disgusted, disgusted by just saying it out loud.

"She was also yer sister, wow."

"It's disgusting, I know; I just felt like I had to tell somebody 'bout this. If I didn't I figured I'd go even more fucking insane over the whole thing. Its a little part of the reason my dad has been harassing me lately. I give yew permission to be repulsed, trust me I feel the same fucking way. I can't even look myself in the mirror without…Without thinking 'bout wot he did to her."

"It isn't yer fault."

"I feel like it is, she'd still be alive if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me or if they hadn't made her keep the pregnancy. I should 'ave just been aborted, I'm fucking disgusting; I can't stand knowing wot I came from."

He felt frustrated and angry.

2D placed his hands on the older man's shoulder.

"Hey it's okay, yew didn't do anything. It's horrible that yer dad did that, it's really horrible; yew didn't make it happen though."

Murdoc looked up meeting the taller man's eyes.

"See me any differently?"

"Not really, yer still my mate."

"Wish I could stop thinking 'bout it, I actually pushed it to the back of my head for a long time. Now I just keep noticing things; like 'ow my skin is so pale an' grey looking or 'ow my eyes are sort of red all because of wot my dad did to her. Some sideshow freak or something, almost feel like cutting off my own skin lately."

"Yew look fine to me; I wish yew 'ad told me 'bout this a long time ago. Thought I knew everything 'bout yew."

Murdoc smiled a bit.

"I think yew know everything now, close enough anyways."

"Are yew sad that she died?"

"I want to be, I tried to make myself cry over it, but I couldn't. I still can't; part of me hates her for it, not her fault our dad did that to her, but I hate she….She should 'ave left, ran away from home; something, she could 'ave done something. Maybe if she had just killed me successfully after I was born, something if she had actually…I don't know I just 'ate her and I feel like a complete bastard for it."

It was strange talking to somebody about these things. He felt weird that he was telling somebody all of this and they were still looking at him like nothing had changed, they were calmly talking to him like this was any other conversation. It frustrated him a bit; he almost wanted to lash out at the blue haired man.

"It's a'right to not be sad, yew don't 'ave to be sad 'bout it. Sometimes it takes awhile to really accept somebody dying. Yew never really knew her so that goes too, there's nothing wrong with it. Maybe later on yew'll mourn; it'll happen if yew need it to."

"I never thought I'd say it, but I swear I'd be a fucking wreck if it weren't for yew being 'round. Yer the only bloke I know who still wants to hang 'round me no matter wot yew see or hear."

2D smiled.

"Yew take good care of me, I really care 'bout yew; a lot."

2D ran his fingers through the older man's wet hair pushing it away from his face.

"Yew feel really cold."

"It's no big deal" Murdoc whispered.

The younger man gently ran his fingers along the bassist's bruised cheek. Murdoc found himself placing his hand on the middle of the singer's back pulling his body closer to his own. He glanced towards the entrance of the alley just to make sure nobody was around. He turned his attention back to 2D; he curled his fingers in the front of the taller man's shirt pulling him downwards a bit. He leaned up the rest of the way pressing his lips against 2D's.

He told himself he was only doing this to see if the younger man meant what he had said. That finding out Murdoc was the product of incest didn't change how he viewed him, but deep down he knew it was more than that; he didn't want to deal with that though.

2D wrapped his arms around him holding him closely as they kissed each other. It wasn't rushed or aggressive, it was slow and gentle. He wondered if the blue haired singer knew how much Murdoc really needed this.


	10. Stronger Than Love

Murdoc was lying on his bed, 2D sat next to him listening to every word that the older man had to say. It still felt strange talking to somebody about these things; he had always figured that he would keep these things about his family buried deep within himself until he had to go to court ordered therapy.

"Why do yew wear contacts?"

"Why wouldn't I, my eyes look like bloody rabbit eyes or something."

He hadn't had the contacts in for a couple of days now. He had to admit it felt better, wearing those things every day drove him insane, but not as insane as seeing his natural eye colour.

"I like yer eyes."

"Why?" The older man asked almost offended by the compliment.

He tried to remind himself that 2D was just being nice, that and he was too stupid to really understand a damned thing that Murdoc had said to him in the past few hours.

"I dunno, they just look really pretty." The younger man said shrugging.

"Dumb reason, I keep telling myself yew don't mean any of wot yer saying. Yer just a little moron who is trying to make me feel better 'bout myself."

"I do mean it though, I really like yew Muds." The blue haired man said as he began combing his fingers through the older man's hair.

Murdoc allowed him to do this, allowed himself to admit that it felt nice. Nearly as nice as it had felt to be kissing the younger man.

"Yer a terrible liar Stu"

"Yew almost never call me Stu."

"It's a nice name I'm gonna try an' call yew that more."

2D lay down next to him resting his head on the older man's chest. Murdoc wrapped an arm around him holding him closely. He thought about himself and how anybody from his past who had known about his origins had found him disgusting. He thought about the deal he had with Jimmy and the very real possibility that the little psychopath could kill his band mates at any time. He thought about the man in his arms, how just a few days ago everything was normal and violent. He never would have thought he'd be here, he sure as hell never thought he'd confess everything so easily.

"Do yew really still find me attractive?"

2D looked up at him.

"Yeah course I do."

"I don't get it."

"I just really like yew, yer not really a monster or a complete jackarse. Yew just like to think that yew are."

"Ever think maybe yer a complete idiot and maybe I am actually a bad guy?"

2D went quiet for a bit as he thought over the idea.

"Maybe, but it doesn't really matter does it?"

"No guess not, not right now anyways. Promise me yew aren't lying to me."

"I promise, swear on my own life." The younger man said smiling.

It was strange wanting somebody to promise something to him. Strange having somebody trust him so fully when the reality of it was that he so easily put their life in danger without a second thought; 2D never had to know that though, if Murdoc had his way then it'd stay that way.

2D kissed him; the action surprised the green skinned man. The younger man pulled back a bit and just stared down into his eyes. Murdoc tried to hold eye contact with him but couldn't manage, the longer he looked at him the more self-conscious he felt about his eyes and his skin; about his genetics. He turned his head to the side avoiding the younger man's stare. 2D ran his fingertips along the older man's cheek; he leaned down pressing his lips against his skin. Kissing his cheek, his jaw, and then down the side of his neck.

"I'm not judging yew" He whispered against his ear.

"It's funny in a sad way; there were a couple times when I was younger where I thought 'bout killing myself. All because of this, because of my looks an' because everyone knew 'bout Rosemarie and Sebastian; nearly did it, I found a gun in Hannibal's room….I really wanted to do it, sometimes I wish that I had." He said smiling sadly.

He still couldn't bring himself to look at the other man; he continued to stare off at the other side of the room. Cortez sat upon his perch with his head tilted to one side as he watched his master carefully.

Murdoc could feel 2D's lips against his neck, his warm breath coming in little puffs of air. He could feel those long pianist fingers of his going through his greasy hair. He could even feel the little shiver the younger man gave when he heard that Murdoc had wanted to end his own life, he could feel how nervous that confession had made him. Yet he couldn't fully comprehend why, maybe he never would.

"I love yew" 2D whispered breaking the silence that had come so quickly.

Weird words; love itself was such a weird word. It was one he wasn't accustomed to hearing, not in a way where it was meant. Female fans loved him; no they loved parts of him. Nobody had ever really loved him; it was such a shallow word they threw around left and right. Yet right now it was real, he could feel the meaning in the word. It tied his stomach in knots and made his chest ache. He turned his head and met 2D's eyes.

"I love yew too"

He meant it, he didn't think that he could say it if he hadn't meant it. Not in this case, he couldn't lie like that to the only person who heard his secrets and was willing to give their heart to him.


	11. Calmer Times

Murdoc was grateful that touring had started. It got him away from his father's constant letters filled with threats, the randomized visits by Little Jimmy Manson, and of course haunted memories of RoseMarie. He knew running from his problems solved nothing, but it wasn't running per say; it was more so like taking a break from them. He got to be away from places and people that he hated and spend time amongst strangers and people that he could tolerate. One of the plus sides was that he got more alone time with 2D, not all of the time; if he had his way he would have all the time in the world with him. Nobody knew that they were dating, hell maybe people did know; he always wondered if their band mates figured something was going on even back when there was absolutely nothing between the two of them. When they checked into hotels Russel would give Murdoc the occasional odd glance when the bassist would volunteer to share a room with the blue haired singer, especially the times when they didn't have to share a room at all.

Not like it mattered. At this point having everybody he knew and didn't know finding out he was dating a man was extremely low on the list of bad things that could happen to him. Jimmy and his father were at the top of the list; Rosemarie was on a completely different list all together.

His mind was still on her; it'd been over a month since he found out about her suicide. He hadn't grieved her death, not once; he could only grieve his own existence. With every threatening letter and call from his dad he felt less hate towards his dead sister, he felt more pity for her. He still felt a bitterness towards her, still felt disgust towards himself.

"Yew a'right?"

Murdoc looked up at the blue haired man who was standing in front of him, he looked down at him curiously.

They were backstage in a small venue waiting for their set to start. He had spent nearly thirty minutes just thinking, he hadn't even touched his bass once since they had gotten here.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine; I was just off in my own little world. Nothing to worry 'bout mate, when do we go on anyways?"

"In 'bout five more minutes, yew sure that yer a'right?" The younger man asked as he sat down next to Murdoc.

The bassist draped his arm around 2D's shoulders; the other man leaned against his side.

"I'm perfectly fine, I swear to yew."

The younger man nodded and smiled up at him. Murdoc looked around making sure nobody was looking before leaning in and kissing the blue haired man quickly on the lips. 2D smiled up at him stupidly then looked away shaking his head.

"Wot?" The older man asked nuzzling his face against the side of 2D's neck.

"It's just strange, y'know us being together. Never figured something like that would happen."

"Me either, do yew mind that nobody knows?"

"No, not really; doesn't matter much to me, I'm just happy to be with yew. Doesn't really matter if anybody knows 'bout it or not."

"Hey guys get your asses out here, we're on." Russel called from the doorway.

2D stood up quickly making his way to the door; he stopped and waited for Murdoc to join him. They kissed one more time before heading out onstage.


	12. After the Show

It's a relief to be back inside of their hotel room and away from all of the screaming fans. Murdoc loved playing shows, loved having all of those people paying attention to him, but after awhile you just got exhausted and found yourself enjoying the times where it was quiet. He thought back to the curious look that Russel had given him and 2D when he had announced they would be going back to their room followed by the blue haired man taking hold of his hand dragging him out of the venue. The drummer was smart, boring, but smart; it wouldn't be one bit surprising if he was already beginning to figure out what was going on between the two men.

"That was a great show wasn't it Muds?" 2D asked from his spot on the bed.

Murdoc sat down next to the younger man.

"Just great, yew were incredible mate."

"Really, yew usually just tell me I did a'right." The singer said as he looked curiously at the older man.

The bassist gave a small smile and shrugged.

"Yer always great I'm just a bitch with these things, don't pay too much mind to it when I tell yew that yew messed up. Least yew never passed out drunk on stage before."

"Do yew fink Russ knows we're together?"

"Probably, doesn't matter to me. I really wanna thank yew for being 'ere…Y'know with er the whole thing with my sister an', most people would probably run like Hell ya know. I love yew Stu"

2D kissed him quickly.

"I love yew too; I wanna be with yew for a really long time." The younger man whispered.

Murdoc kissed him; the kiss was longer this time. 2D traced his index finger along the older man's jawline then down along the side of his neck. He ran his fingers back through the bassist's greasy hair, Murdoc nipped at the other man's lower lip. 2D moved so that he was now straddling the older man's lap, Murdoc placed his hands on 2D's hips pulling his body close to his as they kissed passionately. His hands slid up under the blue haired man's shirt, his nails lightly raking over his sides; the younger man moaned in response. 2D broke from the kiss; he leaned back and removed his shirt dropping it to the floor. Murdoc started kissing along the younger man's neck down to his shoulder then along his collar bones; he ran the tip of his tongue along his skin.

He moved back up to the younger man's mouth kissing him roughly, his tongue slipping inside his mouth exploring. He groaned when 2D's nails dug into his back, he moved a hand between them placing it over the singer's crotch. He began rubbing at his growing erection through the material of his jeans, the younger man rocked against him.

2D got up off of the older man; he smirked down at him as he ran his left hand slowly down the front his body stopping at the hem of his jeans. Murdoc kept his eyes locked on the other man's. 2D unbuckled his belt then unfastened his pants; he slowly pushed them down along with his underwear. He stepped out of his jeans kicking them to the side; Murdoc grabbed the taller man by the hips pulling him forward. 2D caressed the older man's cheek as he looked down at him; the bassist stuck his tongue out running the tip of it up along the underside of the singer's dick. He leaned forward taking the head of 2D's dick into his mouth sucking lightly; the younger man's fingers tangled in his hair gently tugging signing for him to go faster. Murdoc took more of him inside of his mouth as he sucked harder, he wrapped his long tongue around 2D's cock; his sharp nails dug into his hips just piercing the skin. He closed his eyes listening to the quiet then loud moans coming from the other man, he pulled back running the tip of his tongue along the slit of the blue haired man's cock. He pulled back completely smiling at the disappointed sound the younger man made. Murdoc pulled 2D down onto the bed crawling on top of him. He sat on the other man's lower stomach; he quickly removed his own shirt tossing it to the floor then unfastened his jeans. He got up removing his jeans before getting back on the bed. He kissed the younger man deeply as his hands roamed along his body his fingers brushing over his nipples. 2D moaned and bucked beneath him, he wrapped his fingers around the younger man's cock and slowly stroked him.

"Please Mudsie, I want yew." The younger man whispered his voice sounding slightly needy.

Murdoc kissed along his jaw then down the front of his throat.

He reached over to the night stand picking up the bottle of lubricant. He popped the cap open and squirted some of the liquid onto the palm of his hand; he rubbed it over his fingers. He settled himself between 2D's legs; he slowly pushed his index finger inside of the other man. 2D bit at his lower lip repressing his small groans of pain and discomfort. Murdoc placed a kiss on his lower stomach; he pulled his finger out then pushed back in, he added a second finger working them around inside of the singer. 2D's body started to relax and the sounds of discomfort turned to ones of pleasure, his body jerked when Murdoc's fingers pressed against his prostate. The older man removed his fingers from inside of him; he poured more lube onto the palm of his hand then proceeded to coat his dick with it. He lined himself up with the other man's entrance then slowly pushed inside of him. 2D closed his eyes tightly groaning in pain. Murdoc kissed him gently; he ran his fingers back through the other man's hair pushing it away from his face.

"I know pet, just relax; I know it hurts."

He pulled out then pushed back in keeping his pace slow and restrained doing his best to not cause his boyfriend too much pain. They hadn't had sex that many times since getting together, partially because of his own discomfort not believing somebody could get past his past.

2D wrapped a leg around the older man's waist gently pushing. Murdoc pushed all the way inside, the singer's body tensed around him.

"I'll stop if yew want."

2D shook his head, he opened his eyes to look up at the older man.

"No I don't want yew to stop, please don't."

Murdoc kissed him again as he pulled half way out then pushed back in. When the head of his cock pushed against the other man's prostate 2D let out a loud moan digging his nails into the older man's back. He wrapped both legs around Murdoc's waist pushing against him; the green skinned man took it as a sign that he could go a bit faster. He picked up his pace slightly, he kissed down along the side of 2D's neck biting and sucking at his skin.

"If ya leave hickeys somebody will notice 'em." The younger man whispered.

"I don't care, do yew?"

"No, I kinda want people to know I'm with yew." He said smiling up at the older man.

2D leaned up kissing him; he bit at the older man's bottom lip.

With every other thrust he hit the other man's prostate causing him to moan loudly. Murdoc reached between them taking hold of 2D's dick, he began stroking him in time with his thrusts. He buried his face in the crook of the younger man's neck biting and kissing against his skin moaning as the singer's nails dug into his flesh. He kissed down along his chest his tongue flicking over each of his nipples. He stroked him faster rubbing his thumb over the tip of his cock. He placed his free hand on the other man's hip gripping tightly; he pulled 2D's body tightly against him as he fucked him harder. From the sounds of the singer's moans and the way he was meeting him thrust for thrust he could tell that he was getting closer.

2D came hard in the other man's hand, his muscles tightened around the older man's cock causing him to come shortly after.

Murdoc slowly pulled himself out, he lay down next to the blue haired man. 2D wrapped his arms around the bassist, he rest his head on his chest. Murdoc stroked his fingers through 2D's sweaty blue hair.

"I love yew"

"I love yew too Stuart, I'd be so fucked if I didn't know yew." He said kissing the top of the younger man's head.


	13. The Plan

The sound of his cell phone ringing woke him in the middle of the night. He tried ignoring it, turning onto his side and placing a pillow over his head but the sound was irritating him to no end. It stopped ringing then began again three minutes later, whoever wanted to talk to him must be Hell bent on it. Finally he gave up on ignoring them; he blindly reached out picking his phone up from the night stand; he hit the answer button and held the phone against his ear.

"Wot t'e fuck do ya want?"

"Not a nice way to talk to your future guitarist."

Shit. Murdoc quickly got out of bed; he pulled on his jeans, and left the room.

"Wot are yew doing calling me, its bloody night time."

"We need to talk, isn't that tour of yours almost finished?" Jimmy asked sounding a bit impatient.

It wasn't a long tour; right now he wished it'd go on for a whole century if it meant avoiding Jimmy Manson and the things that he had planned for his band mates.

"Yeah, yeah we'll be done by the end of this month."

"Who do I get to kill first?" The older man asked going right for the point.

Murdoc could tell by the tone of Jimmy's voice that he was excited by the idea of killing somebody, from the feeling Murdoc got he felt that this wasn't the first time Jimmy killed somebody.

"Er wot?"

"Who do I get to kill first?" The other man asked.

Murdoc ran his fingers back through his hair; he leaned back against the wall and looked around the empty hotel hallway.

"We need a plan, I er I'm going to come up with a plan; yeah?"

"Right, right; you wouldn't be trying to fuck me over would you?"

"No, no of course not I wouldn't dream of it"

"How about I kill the singer first?"

Murdoc held his tongue to keep himself from yelling obscenely at the deranged hippy on the other end of the phone.

"No"

"and why not?"

"Er well I mean just….'ow 'bout the girl, yeah?"

Jimmy was quiet for awhile.

"Sure, when?"

"Look just calm yer shit, I'll tell yew a plan when I got one."

"Okay, okay that's cool. Don't fuck me over Murdoc, I'll know if you do."

With that the older man hung up.

Murdoc turned his phone off then shoved it into his pocket. He walked down the hall stopping at the room that Noodle was staying in. He sighed heavily before knocking on the door; he waited a few minutes until the young girl answered the door. She looked tired; he felt bad for waking her up but he needed to talk to her.

"What is it?"

"We need to talk about something."

"Can't you tell me tomorrow, maybe when the sun is up?"

"No this can't exactly wait, it's really fucking important."

The young girl sighed; she turned and went back into the room flipping the light switch on. Murdoc followed shutting the door behind him. Noodle sat on the edge of her bed and looked up at the green skinned man waiting for him to tell her whatever it was he needed to tell her.

"Yew know that um….That guy Jimmy Manson?"

She thought for a bit then nodded.

"Well er I…I've been talking to him for awhile an'….He…I fucked up, okay?"

He hated the times he had to admit that he was wrong, that he shouldn't have done or said something. Mostly because he felt money and the attitude of a con man could get him out of nearly any situation that he didn't want to be in. This one he didn't know exactly what to do, but he had an idea that involved the young guitarist.

"What did you do?"

She wasn't angry or accusing, she was always so calm.

"He wants to start a band with me. I kept putting the little freak off, well sort of….I kind of lead him on a bit, not too much; anyhow he wants to either kill me or yew lot."

"Call the police"

"I can't do that, he's got too much on me; if I went to them I'd end up in prison. I'm not gonna let anything happen to yew, but I need to ask something of yew."

"What?"

"I have this plane we, we can do another video on the floating island; after tour is up. Yew'll be totally safe, parachute and everything. I won't let him hurt yew, I swear; I don't have it really planned out yet an' I don't want to discuss it all right now, but I promise nothing will happen to yew; yer like a little sister to me."

He flinched inwardly at the last part; it made him wish he could have protected his own sister from his father.

"I understand, I don't approve at all, but I understand. I know you wouldn't do anything to put any of us in harms way, you do; a lot, but I know you never mean it." The purple haired girl said smiling softly.

"So yew'll do it then?"

She nodded.

"Great, thanks pet; I'm gonna get back to my room then." He said turning and head towards the door.

"Murdoc?"

He stopped and turned to look towards the girl.

"I'm happy for you and 2D." She said smiling up at him.

He didn't know how to respond so he just turned and left the room quietly shutting the door behind him. He went back into his own room, when he closed the door behind him 2D sat up looking towards him.

"Where did yew go to?" He asked sounding tired.

"Just went out for a smoke, go back to sleep mate."

The blue haired man nodded then lay back down. Murdoc climbed into bed lying next to him, he wrapped his arms around the younger man pulling his body against him.

These people were like a deranged slightly annoying little family to him. He felt like this fake plan with Jimmy was betraying them; he knew Russel didn't trust him, but 2D and Noodle did. They trusted him fully and they had no reason in Heaven and Hell to do so. He hoped maybe in time they could forgive him for this, maybe understand. He hoped but doubted they would, even he couldn't understand or forgive his own shallow actions.


	14. Closure

Murdoc ran his fingers across the engravings on the headstone. He traced each letter of her name; Rosemarie Niccals.

"I'm sorry for wot he did to yew, I really am. I don't know if…I don't know if yew would still be alive right now if yew had just gone ahead and drowned me after I was born or….I don't know; I really wanted to hate yew for giving birth to me, the whole situation is really fucked up, eh?"

He sighed heavily his eyes wandering down to the lone red rose lying on her grave.

"I never met yew, I never knew yew, but he did us both in. It wasn't yer fault, wot he did to yew wasn't right, and it never should 'ave happened. If yew thought I'd turn out like him I don't think I have….Not just like him, I'm trying I really am; I got a boyfriend and I sort of 'ave friends who don't completely hate my stinking guts. I wish yew had a better life, both of us deserved better. Guess wot I wanna tell yew is that I'm sorry and I forgive yew. Dad didn't even wanna give yew a proper burial or anything, I thought I'd give yew at least that much. I love yew, yer my sister."

It felt strange and relieving to talk to her, even if he was just talking to a slab with a name and date written on it. It didn't matter; this was his closure.

"Ready to go?"

Murdoc stood up and turned to face 2D who was shyly smiling at him. Murdoc wrapped his arms around the taller man hugging him tightly.

"I love yew, stupid dullard."

"I love yew too Mudsie."

He released the younger man, he took hold of his hand as they turned and left the cemetery. He had so much more to go through, so many demons, and problems that shadowed his existence but maybe this meant things could get better and change….Even if it was just a little bit, he wanted to make up for his father's mistakes and live a life the older man was never man enough to lead.


End file.
